bancuri,glume,maxime despre poker

[sever]

funny

mi-a placut
:joker

[yariknight]

suuuuper tare:clap:clap

[rolfians]

mergea si pe topicul AAvsAK

THE SEVEN STAGES OF AK

Psychologists often refer to the 7 stages of grief that accompany any significant loss in an individual's life. We certainly think AK qualifies, and know the stages all too well:

1) Denial: "There's no way I could've missed the flop. They were suited. I can call here, I probably still have the best hand. Shoot, I should raise to narrow the field"

2) Anger: "I raised preflop. The board is 239. What the f##k are they calling on? Oh, now they're re-raising me? Well, we'll fu##ing see about that. Fine, your 23o hit? Congrat-u-*******-lations. Cap!"

3) Guilt: "Man, I missed the turn and they're still betting into me. I am such a terrible player. I should really let go of this hand. Let go if it, dum#ass. Let go. See, this is why you never make money at poker because you can't lay a hand down you stupid f##k JUST FOLD."

4) Depression: "Call"

5) Forgiveness: "It's ok, you have to look that guy up every once in a while with A high. He might've been on AQ or AJ, and you would've had the best hand then. It's good for your table image anyhow. People won't mess with you now.

6) Acceptance: "Ok, next time I'll just limp and see a flop."

7) Recovery: "Hey, AKs, alright - RAISE!"

:haha:

[AleXXapz]

misto

[patriki]

... foarte tare, frate... aia cu vocea :clap

[TheBigBoss]

Intrebare este, cine era vocea?

Sunt tare curios.

[neozeelandezu]

vocea era a managerului d la horseshoe.. lol

[sever]

My Girlfriend Took Up Poker by zero


The girlfriend took up poker, I can't believe its true;
She started online yesterday
And I'm not sure what to do....

She's already cost us money,
She's a hundred dollars down;
She says its 'cause she's had no luck -
All I do is frown.

She thinks she's tight/aggressive,
I wish that she were passive -
Even with a nine and four
I see her raising massive!

With every face card she must raise,
She says its 'cause they're "pretty"!
I just cringe and walk away
And sit and watch the footy.

She doesn't like the Ace of spades
'Cause its an "ugly" card;
I watched her muck it with a king
And almost hit her - HARD!

She says that it is "boring"
To be dealt a pocket pair;
I watched her folding bullets
And tore out half my hair!

In a hand against "SadRabbit"
She had him fully beat,
But she wouldn't "take advantage"
'Cause she thought his name was "sweet"!

If she holds the nuts she will not bet:
She thinks that its "unfair"!
And when re-raised she always calls
'Cause she's "got chips to spare"!

Now she's thinking of NO LIMIT!!
She thinks it might be fun!!!
- I'm going through my chest of drawers,
I'm looking for my gun!!

Downstairs and armed and dangerous,
Although it may be mean,
I take my aim and fire twice..........
And blow away the screen!!!

[cezarbc]

A 12 year old boy comes home from school and walks into his parents' room. Mom and dad are in bed making love. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His dad replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here." He goes to his older sister's room to find his sister and her boyfriend in bed making love. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His sister replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here." He goes to his older brother's room and finds his brother masturbating. He asks his brother, "What are you doing?" His brother replies, "Playing poker." The boy asks, "I thought that it takes two to play poker." His brother replies, "Not if you have a good hand."

[Einstein]

de pe blogul lui ninja pirate :

Practical Texas hold-em poker strategy.
Texas holdem is boring. Especially if you take it seriously. But everyone finds themselves sitting down at the green oval holdem table from time to time due to peer-pressure or curiosity of poker.


There's plenty of Texas holdem books, Texas holdem websites, and Texas holdem instructors that can teach you Texas holdem strategy and techniques and bullshit on how to play well. But none of that really matters because even if you play poker better than everyone at the table, you'll still lose all your money to the rake. So if you're going to lose money playing Texas holdem, at least do it with some style.

So in case you find yourself stranded in a Casino with $500 in your pocket, here are some practical Texas holdem tips and strategies that I've come up with.

Talk constantly about girl problems, family problems, financial problems, anything personal.

Blow smoke into the middle of the Texas holdem table.

Tip the dealer a quarter on a huge pot and say, "Here ya go, buuuudy."

Ask if you can deal.

When you catch a lucky river, tell people it was all skill.

Say, "Alright, let's see some pocket aces" every time you're dealt.

Always claim to have the stone-cold nuts on every flop. If the flop is king-king-three, say, "Wow, good thing I didn't fold my pocket kings heheheh."

If you folded before the flop, say, "Dammit, I would have won that hand."

When you get dealt Aces, check to the river and whine about how your pocket aces always get snapped.

Accuse people of being suck-outs when you never had anything to begin with.

State the obvious after the fact. "Man, you should have folded."

Inform others in great detail of how they screwed up and what they can do to correct their playing flaws.

Request a deck change every three hands.

Change seats constantly and complain it's because of the smokers. Make all your complaints in betwee drags.

Ask people why they're wearing sunglasses inside.

Contemplate every decision for at least thirty seconds.

Completely misuse poker jargon. "Sweet! I have the inside outside nutter butter gutshut flush-house draw."

When it's your blind, throw the chips into the dealers fingers while he's shuffling.

Dress up like a Jew with the hair curlies and everything. Then buy in for ten thousand dollars and don't play a single hand.

Bitch constantly.

Bring a plastic animal and play from its point of view. Example: "Biglette the Frog folds"... "Biglette the Frog raises".. "Biglette the Frog is not pleased with the river card."

Make awful puns.

-"Damn, my river was dry."
-"I fold.. tower."
-"Four to call.. protocol..."
-"I'm raisin.. no, no, like sundried."
-"I'm pot commited. I just can't stop smoking the stuff."
-"Look, I have a chip on my shoulder."
-"I check.. oslavokia."
-"I put almonds in the freezer and got the stone cold nuts."

Set a picture of a famous poker player in front of you. Show him your cards and ask for advice. "What do you think, Mr. Moneymaker?"

Pick at your chode underneath the table and smear the underbutter on the chips and cards.

Quote KGB.

Tell neighbors stories about really lame hands you've had. "Last week I caught an ace on the turn and won hahahaha."

- When you lose, say, "Sure, you may have won the chips, but I won the satisfaction of knowing you're touching chips that I tainted with chode paste."

Count out large bets in stacks of two.

Always ask the dealer, "How much can I bet?"

Always put the wrong number of chips out.

Ask the dealer to slow down.

Ask other people what they had.

Whenever you lose, sigh and mutter, "Every blind squirrel finds a nut."

Buy 400 chips and set them in front of you in stacks of five.

Stack your chips like stairs and be like, "Look, it's stairs." And have your plastic animal climb up and down them and make faggity little sound effects.

[Darth]

ROFL. Genial. Bonus points daca cineva chiar incearca sa faca chestiile astea intr-un casino din SUA

[botoshello]

Jocul de poker s-a intins pana dimineata.
- Terminati odata jocurile acestea in casa noastra! - striga sotia.
- Scumpo, o linisteste sotul, - care casa !?!

[lyncks]

'Dress up like a Jew with the hair curlies and everything. Then buy in for ten thousand dollars and don't play a single hand.' <--- in afara ca nu era imbracat ca evreu, nu vi se pare cunoscut personajul de la cash de la MGM? acel zeu al pokerului care juca doar ASI sau POPI si atunci se ducea all in? ) si mai si intreba: why didnt you play? you scared?'

[dani4tw]

'Dress up like a Jew with the hair curlies and everything. Then buy in for ten thousand dollars and don't play a single hand.' <--- in afara ca nu era imbracat ca evreu, nu vi se pare cunoscut personajul de la cash de la MGM? acel zeu al pokerului care juca doar ASI sau POPI si atunci se ducea all in? ) si mai si intreba: why didnt you play? you scared?'

LOL am si eu un amic de genul asta.